


Sam and Jess and Infertility

by rosworms



Series: Therapy Fanfic [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, F/M, Infertility, fertility treatments
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-04
Updated: 2017-10-20
Packaged: 2018-05-04 21:32:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5349257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosworms/pseuds/rosworms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is part of the Therapy Fanfic series. This section focuses on infertility. Each 'chapter' is a separate small story. They are not connected, they are not in the same 'verse, they are not related at all. Each story stands on it's own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm Not Real

“Sam, I think it’s time we see a doctor.” Jessica’s voice carried through the bathroom door. Sam nudged the door open and started his nightly routine while she finished on the toilet. They’d past the point of being shy in the bathroom a long time ago.

“What for?” He asked.

“Hand me a tampon.” She answered flatly. 

“Oh. No need to take that pregnancy test then…” Sam muttered as he opened the vanity drawers to find her box of monthly essentials. He brushed his teeth as she did her thing and then washed her hands. 

“It’s been a year, Sam. I have been charting my basal temperature every single day for six months, we are using the PreSeed lube, I’m taking prenatal vitamins, I quit drinking caffeine and alcohol, and I check my cervical fluid every day. I just… it’s time to find out if there is a real problem here.” Jess sighed. 

Sam wrapped his arms around her as they looked into the mirror. He kiss her hair and nodded. 

“Yeah, okay. You can call the doctor tomorrow and ask them to refer you to a specialist.”

~

They were referred to a reproductive endocrinologist. 

Sam was fine. Great swimmers, the doctor said. Motility, number, morphology… all good. Volume was a little low, but it was attributed to Sam’s nerves at having to give the sample at the doctor’s office.

That was exciting… at first. Then weeks and more tests later, Jess started to feel like it was her fault. Obviously, if Sam was fine… it was her.

And it was. 

PCOS… Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. She was given a pamphlet and was told to call when she gets her next period to start fertility treatments. Then she was sent on her way.

She was a sobbing mess on the couch when Sam came home from the office that night. 

“Jess? What’s wrong? What did the doctor say?”

She handed him the pamphlet and he skimmed over it.

“Okay… so we do what we need to do for this. We’ll make it work, hon.” He hugged her and pulled her close so she was laying against him. “We’ll make it work.”

And they tried. 

Jess called on the first day of her next period. 

On day three she went in for a baseline ultrasound. The wand was hard and cold as it was inserted through her vagina and Sam couldn’t get out of work, so she was alone. 

On day five, she started taking Clomid. 

On day ten she had a nightmare in which she skinned a giraffe and strangled her mother with the cord from a microphone. Clomid dreams were freaky.

On day twelve she went in for another ultrasound for a follicle study. The ultrasound tech showed her all of her polycystic cysts and compared her ovaries to seedless watermelons. Her largest follicle was only 8mm. That ended that cycle of treatment.

The next time around, Jess was put on a higher dose of Clomid. 

She cried at a cat food commercial because it was so moving. She screamed at Sam for leaving his socks on the floor in the bathroom. He was calm and understanding because the medication was messing with her hormones and emotions. His understanding just pissed her off.

On day twelve she had another follicle study. One follicle was close enough to stable that the doctor gave her a prescription for Ovidrel (an injection she would have to do herself). She scheduled an artificial insemination and told Jess to do the shot 22 hours before the insemination.

Two weeks later, she got her period.

She cried for a good solid hour before she called and made another appointment. 

Her baseline ultrasound showed a large cyst. Too large. She’d had to take the cycle off of treatments while it went down. 

That was the worst cycle. 

She was still reeling from the craziness of the Clomid and there was nothing to do this cycle except stew on her own failures. No trying at all.

Sam found her one night curled up in the bath tub. There was no water in it. She was just… there. 

“Hon? Jess? It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. It’s really not.” She shook her head. “It’s like… do I even count?”

Sam paused in stroking her hair as he tried to figure out what she meant.

“Jess?”

“I mean… my body can’t even do what it’s supposed to do. Am I really a woman? Am I even really human?”

“Yes, of course.”

“No, not of course. I feel like I don’t really exist. Like I’m not real… or at least not worth as much as a real person.” She was crying, her knees brought up and she buried her face. 

“Have… have you been here all day?” Sam’s voice shook. He was nervous, scared.

“I… yes?”

It was the roughest cycle. Sam took Jessica to a different doctor. She began seeing a therapist once a week and Sam convinced her to take more time for herself before returning to fertility treatments. 

They also came up with a new game plan with the fertility doctor. No more Clomid. They would be trying Femara (letrozole) upon returning. Less emotional hangover and less risk of ovarian cancer and large cysts.

To him, it wasn’t worth losing Jessica. To her, it was worth everything.


	2. Just One Line

The egg timer went off in the other room and Sam paused in his reading, listening for Jess. He could hear her pacing foot steps and he put his book down and stood from the couch. He approached the bathroom and leaned against the door frame. Jess was hunched over the sink with her eyes closed, a little pink and white stick clutched in her hand.

“Jess?”

“I’m too scared to look.” She admitted with a heavy exhale. Sam smiled softly and took the two steps closer and wrapped his arms around her.

“We’ll look together. Count of three.” He said. Jess nodded shakily and Sam could feel her pulse racing with fear and excitement. “One… two… three.”

Jess held her breath and turned the pregnancy test around in her hand. Sam felt her stiffen as he also took in the sight of the single pink line. No trace of a second line. Not even a shadow.

“Jessica…” He gently turned her around by her shoulders. She was shaking.

“No, it’s fine. I’m fine.” Her voice broke and she bit her lip. Sam could see the tears in her eyes.

“Hey, you know it’s not over until the next cycle starts.” He was trying to be supportive, but he knew it backfired when he shaky breaths hiccuped and her shoulder heaved.

“I started spotting already. I thought maybe… I hoped it was implantation bleeding.” And Sam gathered her close as finally broke down sobbing into his chest.

He made a note to himself to tell Dean they wouldn’t make it to dinner tomorrow night. He really didn’t want to fend off the inquiries about when he and Jess were finally going to have a family. He didn’t need any advice from Dean about how they just needed to relax and get drunk before having sex. And Jess really didn’t need to see Lisa’s swollen belly as they were expecting baby number two.

After two years of trying and failing, thousands of dollars spent on tests and treatments, checking Jess’s basal temperature every morning, injections, pills, ultrasounds, and two IUIs, … their families still didn’t understand that medical conditions aren’t just treated by relaxing, eating pineapple, trying different sex positions, having sex under a full moon, or any other wacky tips they had. Their friends from college weren’t any better. Yes they’d tried this treatment, yes they were aware of that one too, and Sam was going to punch the next person to say “why don’t you just adopt?”. 

“Shh… it’s okay.” Sam rocked Jess like the baby they’d dreamed of and had yet to meet. It wasn’t. It wasn’t okay at all, and he didn’t know how long they could have their hopes crushed before they were crushed along with them.


	3. Timed Intercourse

Jess rushed in the house, slamming the door on her way in. She kicked her shoes off as she dropped her purse on the couch. 

“Sam!” She yelled, hopping on one leg as she tried to kick her pants off as she moved. Her shirt went next, flying over her head. She left a trail of clothing as she rushed up the staircase.

“In the bedroom!” Sam’s voice called out. 

“Are you ready?” Jess yelled as she stopped in the bathroom on the way.

“Why? Do we have time for foreplay?”

Jessica glanced at the clock on the wall. They had to be ready to leave again in less than an hour. 

“No!” She growled, stalking into the bedroom. Sam was spread out on the bed, jerking himself slowly so that he was ready for Jessica and they could just do what needed to be done and get ready to leave.

“Come on, then.” She grinned, hopping on the bed and pulling him over on top of her. It may not be the most romantic sex they’ve had, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t be fun. 

Fifteen minutes later (thanks to some prep work to cut the time down), Jessica was upside down on the bed, with her hips in the air against the wall with the help of the extra fluffy pillow they’d nicknamed The Butt Pillow.

“Alright, I’m going to shower and get ready. You… do your thing.” Sam sat up.

“Don’t we get a pep talk or something?" 

"Really?” Sam laughed and looked at her. Jess just gave him a cute pout and he sighed and leaned over, his face close to her stomach.

“Alright boys… you got some hard work ahead of you. You will literally be swimming for your lives. I believe in you. The prize is at the end of this long and difficult journey. You find that egg. You find it and you conquer it! Swim for your lives! Swim for freedom!” Sam raised his fist in the air and pumped it with the last two exclamations. Jess was laughing the whole time, her small stomach bouncing with each breath. 

“I love you, Sam Winchester.” She giggled out.

“I love you, Jessica Winchester.” He pushed up and kissed her lightly before he got up to get ready. He dropped Jess’s phone on the bed before he left, giving her something to do while she was hips up in the air for twenty minutes.

~

“Oh, you know making the baby is the fun part!” Dean waggled his eyebrows at Sam and Jessica the next day. 

Jess and Sam shared a look and matching raised eyebrows as they thought of the last two days of carefully timed intercourse and the one that had to have been the most hurried they’d ever done it because of conflicting and unalterable schedules.

“Hmmm… yeah. The fun part.” Sam nodded to his brother. Dean chuckled and punched him playfully in the shoulder before he left to join his wife and their kids on the other side of the room.

“Maybe he’d like to be injected with hormones every month and have the pleasure of paying hundreds of dollars for each prescription? Sound… fun?” Jessica muttered to her husband. She couldn’t help the sarcasm as each month made her just a little more bitter. 

Sam reacted by wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close.

“The work part is over. All that’s left is your day 21 blood test and two week wait.” He said. “So… next weekend, let’s go on a date. A real date. Romance and good food and making actual love to each other. Sound good?”

Jess smiled up at him through a sigh of relief. Of course she had to be blessed with the perfect husband who wouldn’t let fertility treatments kill the romance.

“Sounds wonderful."


	4. Unexpected

They were packing for their big move. Sam had gotten a nice promotion at the law firm and they’d found a nice upgrade of a house to go with it.

“What about all these books?” Sam asked, holding a handful of fertility and maternity books. Dusty, they’d been shoved to the back of the closet after too many years of failed fertility treatments. 

“Garbage.” Jess said with a bitter twist of her lips. 

“Are you sure? This one is from your mom.”

“Yeah, and she also gave us baby booties and a onesie... as a wedding gift. No pressure there. Toss the books.” Jess jerked her thumb to the side.

Sam felt a sharp jab in his chest. Not as bad as it once was, but it would always be there. And he respected his wife’s wishes and threw the books in the garbage. 

~

The next day they fought. Jess had been cleaning out and packing up the garage and killed her car battery by keeping it turned on only enough to listen to music... for hours.

Jumping it didn’t work. 

She demanded he go get a new battery or bring her battery to a charger. 

“You don’t even work tomorrow. It can wait. I’ll do it tomorrow after work. I’m tired now and I have to go in early. I just want to sleep.”

“Fine, I’ll google how to take out a battery and I’ll do it myself.”

“Jess, there is nothing open this late that can charge the battery and I’m not buying a new one when this one is fine!”

But he at least trudged out to the garage in his boxer shorts and disconnected the battery, putting the battery in his car. Then he went to bed angry.

~

The next day, Sam got a text message:

Please bring home First Response Early Result pregnancy test.

“I... I gotta go.” He stammered out to whoever was standing near him, and he bolted out of the office. 

He stopped at the pharmacy and then raced home, running into the house. 

“Jess!”

“Sam.... you’re early.” She raised her eyebrows.

“Yeah... your wife, who has dealt with infertility for seven years, texts you to get a pregnancy test... you kind of hurry. What the hell is going on?”

“Okay... so...” Jess started pacing. “You know how I’ve been dealing with a little bit of a stomach thing the last week or so? Well, that... and my period was late. The period being late isn’t that much of a big deal because of the PCOS and my irregular cycles, so I kinda ignored that. But... then my face was breaking out a lot... more than usual. And so I started suspecting... that’s why I really wanted my car fixed, by the way. I wanted to go get a pregnancy test without getting your hopes up.”

“You should have said something.”

“I just said I didn’t want to get your hopes up!”

“Okay... well, that explains your freaking out last night. Got it. And-”

“So then,” Jess interrupted. “I searched the house today for any pregnancy test. I found a bunch of the internet cheapies we bought when we were still doing treatments. They were all expired by two years. But I tried one... and it was positive. And that had to be a mistake, right? So I did another one... and it was also positive. And another... and then I tried one with water as a control test, ya know? And that was negative. So... I need a real, not expired test.” Her voice shook at the end.

Sam nodded, dumbfounded and handed the pink box over.


End file.
